As 2018 comes to a close, growth has been the consistent goal on my plate and I accomplished it. Had it been with flying colors, I wouldn’t cherish it as much as I do. Although some goals were reached faster than expected, they provided more time for the ones I struggled with the most.
I must admit, letting go of certain situations gave me the flux. The fact that I’ve allowed things to bother me, which I must say are weightless in my daily life, has me disappointed. But there are thought-provoking positives.
In front of me, the old me holds out her hand. If I need reassurance, I can turn to myself because I am no longer ok with letting myself down. She cheers me on, so I will never fall victim to the opinions of others and remain true to what makes me happy in life.
There are days I feel our fingertips are within inches of becoming one and we can begin to walk hand in hand into the future. The other days, she’s decades behind me and I find myself sliding backward, just to see if she’s still coming along with me on this unknown journey. She is my best friend.
The old me knows me better than anyone else, and as I learn the new me, I question why isn’t the old me upset? Well, she has no reason to be. Knowing her time was limited, she has come through in the clutch when she was needed the most. Wanting more for me has always been her goal, I just had to see it. And now that I do, I understand she was ready for change before I knew it was necessary.
Often, I feel like the new me is extremely sensitive. The ability to allow things to roll off my back has somewhat taken a hiatus. At first, I was bothered by it. Then I remembered, if I’m changing, something I enjoyed about the old me has to change, without my approval. My heightened sensitivity comes from caring about how I affect others but most importantly, how much I care about myself. Previously, I didn’t, and I saw what damage it caused.
Loving myself taught me to love other people. The internal growth I experienced this year has taken me to places mentally, physically and emotionally that honestly, I thought I would never see. Without those things, I suffer. Without healing internally, everything I touch externally is affected. Now that I’m aware of my previous ways, I can have a better judgment of how others carry themselves.
Seeing things for what they are and not jumping to my own conclusions has me appreciative. In 2019, my external flaws will begin their healing journey. Building bonds, strengthening friendships and relationships are a few of the things on my plate. But this time, the visual results will allow me to finally hold my growth in my hand.
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