When we are faced with a conflict, it’s not uncommon to look for others for help to get through our pain. As much as we value others’ opinion, sometimes the only answer is within ourselves. Everyone deals with heartache differently. Some say those who can move on fast are fortunate but that doesn’t mean a piece of them is not stuck in the situation.
I found myself at a low point and was unsure of how to get out of it. Depression had a firm grasp on my life but I couldn’t figure out what was the cause. It took years for me to realize, it was me. All the mental anguish I was experiencing was due to my past. Not because of a man, but because of the things I had no control over. Having daddy issues is a terrible feeling. Growing up, I saw my best friend interact with her father and it made me desire to hear my dad say he was coming to get me without me begging. The older I got, I realized I was still begging! At 30 years old, I was still waiting for my father to love me. So I decided to do some soul searching.
What Did I Want?
I wanted happiness. I wanted self induced happiness. True happiness definitely starts within. My first step was to accept this journey was not going to be easy. There was a point where I realized, I was so broken that I was willing to accept any kind of treatment, as long as I was ok with a piece of it. Biggest mistake ever! To accept a piece of anything means you are not getting what you really deserve. For years, I accepted that my dad would come and go as he pleased. I chalked it up as he had a problem with my mom, but that was far from the truth. My opinion, he had no desire to be a father. If he was forced to take care of me, he would send me to my grandma. I would never see him and it didn’t dawn on me until I realized, he just doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. He doesn’t love you the way you see other parents loving their children. I had to accept all love isn’t good love and I cannot accept the kind of love that everyone has to offer, no matter who it is.
Looking at how he treated me, made me realize that I could not let others treat me that way. Even if there was a positive interaction at one point, it doesn’t justify being treated in the opposite manner we desire. I was created, I didn’t chose to be here and I thought my existence was more than enough, clearly that meant nothing. The source of all my anger and frustration started with my dad. After all these years, I finally realized I took my anger out on other people.
How Did I Move Forward?
It is not easy to cut off people you care about, regardless of what title they hold in your life. I accepted that we will never have the relationship I desired and if I had to cut off my father, I had to cut off others as well. Being depressed is a state of mind that you have no control over. However, I had control over who I allowed in my life that could keep me depressed. I combed through all of the people I talked to and slowly removed those who blocked my growth from rock bottom. I expressed to people how I felt regarding our communication. Some were ok with it, others were confused. I wasn’t doing this to help them understand, I was doing this to clear my soul of the things I knew would take me back where I didn’t want to be. People don’t realize how much baggage is brought to each new chapter. Many of our ways are reflections of past or present situations. Having a happy future meant I had to look at everything, leaving no stone unturned when it came to those who may have felt their position would never be affected. As much as it hurt, I had to walk away from my best friend of 25 plus years! I still love her, but I realized that we grew apart and what I needed in the moment, she couldn’t offer.
Acceptance was my biggest hurdle. I’ve always felt you don’t have to agree with something to accept it. Walking away was not my way of giving up, but accepting certain people cannot assist me in my journey of happiness. Finally I realized, everyone is not meant to walk through your entire life journey. Those who understand you as a person and willingly assist you are the ones who make life’s hardest adjustments just a tad bit easier. I forgave those who hurt me. I don’t believe they wanted to cause harm, but it’s not always easy to tell someone you care about that you cannot help them through a crisis. We all have to be honest about what we can and cannot do for someone else or ourselves. Now, I believe owning your limits will help decrease the amount of unnecessary stress. We cannot fix people; they have to want to fix themselves. The best thing we can do for someone else is to be honest.
Taking the steps to accept what cannot be changed, acknowledging what I needed, and owning my part of each situation was the perfect resolution to my problem. I’m not healed, but I’m on a path of healing.