Despite the smile on my face, I’m living in daily turmoil. No one expects to find themselves wrapped in the state of unknown on a consistent basis. Even if I know why I’m unhappy, it doesn’t change the fact that my happiness seems so far away, when it’s usually right in my face.
Depression is the Devil sitting on your shoulder, waiting to clap when you begin to disappoint loved ones. No matter how much you fight, he remains there to remind you of how bad things really aren’t. I can swipe, cry, beg and plead but there is nothing that works to get him to leave me alone. But some days he is weakened. So weak that he leaves on his own because I can see the true happiness I have in life. A wonderful child, an amazing spouse, a few great friends and a mom who jumps out of a plane without a parachute when it comes to me. But why isn’t it enough?
I’d love to wake up every morning happy, but that’s just not in the cards for me. I wake up reminded that I have chronic pain to deal with, numb legs, and unable to always use my left hand at will. Then the smile disappears. When it comes back is usually determined by how the pain feels that day. But I fight….
I fight through the feeling of wondering if I will be normal again. I fight through the feeling of allowing depression to win. Some days, I am the heavyweight champion. Most days, I’m defeated by being stuck in bed with a migraine so big if I open my eyes I immediately feel like vomiting. Most days, I’m still up on the train going to work, even with that feeling.
I’ve had some friendships ruined by this disease but I’m not sad about it. You can’t be sad when you feel like you’re the only one with wounds that need to heal. Do I miss some of them, absolutely. But I cannot chase them to understand something I’m learning to understand myself. I cannot put forth effort in fixing something they can’t physically see and chose to accept what I put out, as if they don’t know who the real me is. I cannot take all the blame for my actions because a lot of my actions are reactions to people and their lack of understanding. But I can hope to heal….
I can hope to heal, so those who have stuck around get the best me I have to offer. They can have that friend back from the past, but improved. They deserve it. They stuck by me when I couldn’t love me and when I couldn’t love them.
Although I’m not what people see, the old me is still there. The angry, shut down, walk away from everything person that I currently am, is to protect me. Protecting me from myself. Protecting me from making decisions that I’ll regret. Protecting those who may be close enough to endure damage from a storm I didn’t even know existed.
Some people will care. Some people will say it’s an excuse. Others will say it’s not real, she just wants attention. Those who know me, in my current place, will defend me. They know that my heart is still genuine, even if my actions and words don’t seem to be. But I will win. It’s just a matter of when. Depression is me versus life that no one sees. Depression will not defeat me. Depression is a clock, with no tick or tock. Depression can lose. It will lose to me.
#depressionisreal #iwillnotgiveup #thehardestfightofmylife #nomorefear